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Feinburg, Sascha, Reading Comprehension

FEINBURG, SASCHA

Sascha Feinburg
Age: 17, Grade: 11

School Name: Professional Children’s School, New York, NY
Educators: Thomas Orefice, Rachelle Sclan

Category: Humor

Reading Comprehension

The Standardized Competency Test (SCT), is designed to test your competency in different areas of learning. As you know, many colleges will use your SCT score for determining admission. The first of section is the Reading Comprehension Test
Directions: In this test you will find three passages. All of them are fantastic. Your enjoyment level will be recorded by the Pleasure Measure. Please take a moment to slide the index finger of your non-dominant hand into the machine on your desk.  Enjoyment levels will be used as a part of your score. After reading each passage, bubble in your answer on the sheet provided. Many questions are opinion based. Nonetheless, they are graded for correctness. There are right and wrong opinions. 
Passage I. This passage argues the value of cults as opposed to cliques. While many would be happy to write it off as propaganda, that is offensive and invalid. Certainly you will agree with the message of the passage and find it relatable. Fun fact: in an independently conducted study, this passage was found to be a favorite with many Grandmothers. Enjoy!
Jean-Paul Sartre penned: “Hell is other people.” Decades later, in the cinematic masterpiece that is Jennifer’s Body, Diablo Cody, a tad less famously penned, “Hell is a teenage girl.” However, dear teenage girls, cults offer salvation from not only your ungainly teenage self, but, and some might say even more importantly, that popularity-contest-plus-homework known as high school. If high school is hell, it certainly follows that Satan can help. Before your pleasure monitors start overheating, not all cults are Satanic – only the best ones! Below you will find a comprehensive list of Reasons To Join a Cult.  You’re welcome.
1.     Cults are better than cliques.  Cliques are exclusive ploys to alienate some students while giving others a false sense of power. Cliques will either crush your ego or momentarily inflate it. It all ends poorly as, sooner or later, everyone eats lunch alone in the bathroom. Cults, on the other hand, are entirely inclusive. Anyone willing can join. A good cult promotes the sense of belonging your teenage self craves, but lets you keep your individuality as long as you do not break any of the many rules.
2.     Cults are creative.  Many cults offer the chance to grow your artistry in ways that high school certainly doesn’t. Why paint with watercolors in some drab art class with poor lighting, when you can paint with the blood of a famous actress in a grassy field? Blood is thicker than water, and on paper it shows. DISCLAIMER: we are not in favor of murder or violent activities of any sort. We simply meant stealing Meryl Streep’s blood samples from her annual physical, you sociopath!
3.       Sex. Teenagers are horny. The cult of your choosing will be spearheaded by a Charismatic Leader, and said Charismatic Leader will likely want to have sex with you. If charisma doesn’t do it for you, you can conjure Satan, he is devilishly good in bed. If you’re feeling a bit wild, we recommend reading Awakening The Dead: Pleasure Beyond The Grave, with your fellow cult members. See footnote below.
4.       Escape your parents. Every teenager wants privacy. By joining a cult, you never have to see Mom or Dad, or any annoying siblings, again. And Aunt Sue who always tells your younger sister how beautiful she is, while buying you clothes that are always a size too small?  That’s right, she’s gonzo too.  She’ll see you in the tabloids or the evening news, and that’s how we like it. 
5.       Fame.Your generation is fame obsessed.  So if the cult you join ends up notorious, you’ll surely be on the front page of The National Enquirer.
6.       Cults are an ancient and revered practice. Even before homo sapiens learned to walk upright, they liked to hang out together in groups. Modern life often stresses the small, nuclear family. Remember, it takes a village! Cults teach you loyalty and love, two vital things Aunt Sue and high school did not.

So in conclusion, dear teenage girls, drinking the Kool-Aid is certainly better than drinking your school’s fluoride infused water. For more information, please email: SatanSaveMe@gmail.com with the subject line: TEENAGE GIRL IN DESPERATE NEED OF IMMEDIATE SALVATION, or simply: Membership Inquiry.
Questions:

  1. According to the passage, school is: A. Useless. B. Useful. C. Pointless. D. Advantageous.
  2. According to your personal opinion, school is: A. Useless. B. Useful. C. Pointless. D. Advantageous.
  3. In point three, horny likely means: A. With horns. B. Aroused. C. Both A and B. D. Neither A nor B.
  4. Does this passage make you want to flee home, school, and your current clique to join a cult? A. Definitely. B. Certainly. C. Of course. D. Naturally.
  5. How willing would you be to assist in the stealing of bio-hazardous test tubes of blood as mentioned in point two? A. Incredibly willing. B. Willing. C. Perhaps willing. D. I am a coward. 
  6. Do you feel that your family and high school skipped out on teaching you loyalty and love? A. Yes! B. For sure. C. Unfortunately, yes. D. Now that you mention it, yes.